The Goddess Shows Herself

Lately - this is very personal and vulnerable of me to share - I have felt called to show up as the Goddess, and to have the Goddess in me worshipped. Talk about a potential ego-trip! For so long I have avoided it for this reason, not answering the call. I am now seeing it as my biggest stretch, and my own service to the Goddess. Because if she is not seen in me, then in whom? She is in all women, and we have been too intimidated to let Her come out. This is a great disservice to men and to the planet, since the Goddess is being neglected and abused everywhere in nature too. We have been afraid, for good reason, since history is full of martyred goddesses. Now there are some men who can help Her be Here.

When a man worships the Goddess in a woman, She can awaken him. When an awakened man does not worship the Goddess in a woman, I wonder, why is he not? Possibly she has not invited it, and his mind and attention is on something else. When an awakened man worships the Goddess in a woman, he protects Her, validates Her and invites Her to Stay. By doing this he steps into his own Divinity, which is the best service he can offer her - He becomes the Divine Masculine. Which is what we, I mean we divinely human women, need more than anything. We worship the Divine Masculine in him, and this is a sublime pleasure.

This has just come to me with clarity in the past 2 days. I would love to hear comments!

Hanging Out

I asked an integrally informed friend to tell me what he would say to a newbie who was struggling with an addiction. I expected he would say something profound and philosophical, but he said “I would tell them to hang out with people who don’t have an addiction.”

We get our sense of what is “normal’ from the people around us. I remember feeling shocked when I went to college in a conservative town, after high school in a liberal city. I found out that their “normal” was completely different from mine. [Integral theory does make use of the idea of perspectives] At that time I began to realize the slipperiness of normality. Stepping back to take a larger view, I could see that people have co-created sets of unspoken rules of behavior everywhere they have gathered. Who knows how they get started. Mass media influences us more than we like to admit, and what we think “everybody knows” differs depending on which TV network we follow.

Many of us who struggle with addiction feel we are above all that. We think that the rest of the world is gullible, but we are not. Often our addiction is an expression of despair in reaction to the suffering and ignorance we see played out by “normal” people. We experience existential angst living in a world that seems designed to disappoint us. We are certainly not going to fall for something that promises a better life in heaven if we give up everything that makes life fun here. And we are not going to kid ourselves that positive thinking, affirmations and “being good” will pay off for us now.

Good. Now that we can see through the illusions that other people may be caught in, let us examine our own. What have we chosen our particular “normal” to be? Are the people we hang out with getting the most out of life? Are they fulfilled? Can they face the day fairly cheerfully, and feel tolerant and stable as they go through their day with whatever happens? Or do they complain and criticize and make excuses for their unhappiness?

I remember periods in my life when I thought to myself, I may be killing myself slowly with this substance, but my life is so painful that if I stop using, I might commit suicide. At least I am postponing that outcome, and I may be able to give up my substance in the future. This was true. I am sad to think I went through that, and I can’t say now whether that was necessary or not for me to hit bottom. I spoke that to my first 12 step group. They hung with me through that time and beyond.

Today may I choose my friends wisely, knowing that the reality we create together influences me on a profound and subtle level.

Comparing

I wrote this  year ago while focusing on the integration of 12 step principles with Integral Theory and Waking Down in Mutuality. It contains some 12 step language, and I am interested - how does this land on you, dear reader? Can you “translate” if you are not part of the 12 step fellowship?

We have the option to free ourselves from comparison. This is a truly great freedom. The world-renowned author and Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh recommends we free ourselves from the inferiority complex, the superiority complex and the equality complex.

What does that mean, the equality complex? Isn’t equality what we believe in, what we are going for? If you look deeply, all 3 “complexes” are based on our fixation on how we compare to one another. Comparison has got us into a lot of trouble. It has made us feel like we had something to prove, or has left us feeling ashamed and isolated. Comparing ourselves to others, we often felt like we did not fit in. Many times we can trace our addiction back to a way of dealing with feelings that came from comparing ourselves to others.

One of the slogans you are likely to hear in a 12 step meeting is “Don’t compare, identify!” To me this means that I can almost always find something in another’s share that rings true for me and that helps me with my own life. Regardless of differences in age, background, education or lifestyle, our commonalities exceed our differences.

So what? What can I expect from freeing myself from comparison? Freedom to be my true self! This takes a lot of courage. When people begin relying on their highest nature (Higher Power) for cues on how to act they are usually surprised by the clear, insistent impulses that arise. This is called intuition. Whether or not you “believe” in intuition, the scientific way is to experiment for yourself. You may find yourself inspired to do things that “feel right” even though they may not initially make sense.

As you begin to try this for yourself, you will learn to recognize which of these inspirations to follow, and in what way. This is a process of trial and error that probably goes on throughout life. It doesn’t mean we disregard logic, it means we no longer disregard our inner truth because it does not seem right by comparison.

Today may I have the strength and courage to stop comparing myself to others.

Affirmations

Some affirmations came to me on the plane to NYC yesterday that I'd like to share. Affirmations are always in the "I" so you are invited to take them on in your voice if you like them!

• I am capable and able to keep my wits about me.
• I am sharp and wise.
• I pay attention to my surroundings.
• I listen to my intuition.
• I know that other people are not trying to hurt me. They are doing the best they can with what is up for them right now, sometimes more than they can hold.
• People do what they do, but not "to" me.
• I am in possession of myself.
• I keep myself out of harm's way.
• I walk in the light.
• I am tolerant of human shortcomings, mine and those of others.
• Each moment is a new beginning.
• I continue beautifully.
• I persevere.
• I am flexible and resilient.
• I see the beauty in me and around me.
• I am so grateful for what I have.
• I choose beauty, love and gentleness in my life!
• I do not take other people's expectations or reactions personally.
• I have everything I need to make good decisions for myself.
• I can easily change course when warranted.
• I learn from every experience.
• I easily release attachments to behaviors that no longer serve me, even if I have had them for years.
• Paradox is a fact of Life ;-)

I got accepted as a Waking Down Mentor!

Yay! see my mentor page at http://teachers.wakingdown.org/laurawittke/

And while you are there look at all the other cool stuff about Waking Down in Mutuality http://www.wakingdown.org/

Hot Flashes, LDN, and thyroid

Hello dears, wanting to update you all on my progress with low dose Naltrexone even though I don't have much to report. I have been on 1.5 mg nightly for about a month and a half, and the main thing I have experienced is a big increase in hot flashes! I do not blame this directly on LDN but on my narrowed range of temperature tolerance (due to menopause) and on the way that LDN improves thyroid function. The thyroid, as you know, is responsible for regulating metabolic rate (think thermostat) and when it works well body temperature comes up to normal. In fact, one functional test for thyroid adequacy is to take one's temperature every morning at the same time, before eating or drinking. If it is <98.6 your thyroid is likely not working optimally.

"My temperature always runs low" does not cut it. If so, your thyroid has probably "always" not been up to snuff.

Recently I spent a lot of time researching the physiology of hot flashes. Science alert! Here is what I found out:

I just learned something that relates to thyroid and hot flashes. "Thyroid hormones are known to stimulate thermogenesis in rodents by exerting a permissive effect on norepinephrine that affects uncoupling protein-1 (UCP1) expression in brown adipose tissue (BAT)." (from Uncoupling protein-3 as a molecular determinant of the action of 3,5,3'-triiodothyronine on energy metabolism. 2009

Endocrine. 2009 Oct;36(2):246-54. Epub 2009 Jul 14.
Flandin P, Lehr L, Asensio C, Giacobino JP, Rohner-Jeanrenaud F, Muzzin P, Jimenez M.)

So, it doesn't matter to me about UCP1 or whatever, but it does matter about the norepinephrine- check out this really cool research article http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/510409_7

that explains step by step how hot flashes come about by the narrowing of the range at which the core temperature of the body feels "normal" - so that the woman will start sweating at a lower temperature and start shivering at a higher temperature. This is associated with higher levels of norepinephrine in the brain (not in plasma). Clonidine actually reduces hot flashes by inhibiting norepinephrine (that does not mean I am willing to take clonidine!)

Now, interestingly, anything that increases thermogenesis increases core body temperature. I remember when I started drinking green tea to lose weight and I got drastically more frequent and hotter hot flashes, that went back to baseline when I stopped! Also, MCT oil is thermogenic (says so on bottle) and we actually recommend it to people for weight loss. Backing up further, I remember reading years ago that coconut oil promotes weight loss by helping the thyroid become more efficient.

Wow, huh? It is all related. So I am backing off on my consumption of coconut oil right now until I can get the hot flashes to settle down.

I stopped Naturethroid (t3/t4) for a week until the hot flashes returned to baseline, started again on half a dose, got increased hot flashes, stopped for a day and started again on 1/4 dose and had increased hot flashes again.

This is not only interesting, it is telling me that possibly on low dose naltrexone I might not need ANY Naturethroid.

SO: I got my results back and they were not conclusive but seemed to indicate that I needed to get back on to my old dose of thyroid. Even though I'm sure if I do, my sizzling hot flashes will return ..... at least temporarily. This is my new question to investigate! Here is what I am thinking now...

It occurs to me that there is another situation where the body needs to experience uncomfortable sensations in order to regulate itself and have those sensations go away. That is in the case of blood glucose (BG) (blood sugar). When a person with uncontrolled diabetes begins to get control, that is, to bring their blood glucose down (with diet, activity and/or medication) they often FEEL like they have low blood glucose, even when they don't. That is, they have symptoms of hypoglycemia - shakes, cold sweats, faintness - but when they test their blood glucose, it is 90 or 100 - not low by any means. The correct advice is to test when experiencing these symptoms, and if blood glucose is 70 or above, sit down and rest, and re-test in 15 mins or if you feel significantly worse, sooner. Do not treat with candy, glucose tablets, orange juice or anything unless you have a BG reading of <70. If a person is using insulin shots, their BG may continue to drop, and then they have to eat to bring it up, and decrease their insulin dose so that they are not getting too much so that it doesn't happen again. BUT in most cases, these symptoms are just the body saying "hey wait a minute, I'm not used to this!!" and, like with children and dogs, it will NEVER get used to it unless you can convince it that everything really is alright and it is OK to sit with the situation. After some time like this the body stops responding as if it has hypoglycemia when it really doesn't.

So I am wondering if my hot flashes are like this? Especially because I have taken my temperature and it is still slightly below normal even during a hot flash. Note that "core body temperature" is different from the temp you can get with a regular thermometer, which is said to "lag". So next time I have a hot flash I will try to remember to take my temp a few minutes into it or at the end.

How long will it take my body to get used to a properly functioning thyroid and a body temp of 98.6? That is the big question, and can I live through it without going nuts? Stay tuned to see!!

More on Emotional Safety

I can't believe it's been almost a month since I blogged last. I've been writing a lot but not getting it into the blog, so I may dictate more in the next few days.

Strategies for Avoiding Secondary Trauma
Secondary trauma occurs when someone else describes what they went through, and it feels like it happened to us. This is very normal and human and it doesn't mean we are doing anything wrong. We are all interconnected, and in some way it is true that it happened to us. Whether directly or vicariously experienced, we want to use the trauma to deepen us and make us wiser rather than to damage us. In the process some damage may unavoidably occur. There are ways to decrease the likelihood of damage and to mend.

• practice meditation – being "with the space" or "being the space" as Krishna Gauci (1) describes allows us to feel the bigness of how things really are. It is good to hold the painful thing gently while sitting with the expanse. I believe all kinds of meditation increase our ability to hold. What is the ability to hold? I mean the ability to sit with or be with intense feeling without having to do anything about it. Strangely, transformation and integration occurs when we can simply hold. Thich Nhat Hanh (2) (Thay) refers to this as holding the painful feeling like a crying baby, while neither repressing nor expressing. As he says, when a parent picks up a crying baby the baby usually begins to calm down before the parent has even done anything.
• tell someone – when we hold, we do not express. But there is also a place for expressing. We express in mutuality with others, and they hold us.  We may or may not have to tell the most distressing bits. Tell how you are suffering and get empathy. Note: empathy is when someone else listens in a way that helps you feel connected to yourself. This is different from sympathy and commiseration.
• practice healing arts – for example Qi Gong meditation and Qi Gong movement (3).  In Qi Gong meditation we visualize our energy body in ways that strengthen and protect us. Qi Gong movement practices also increase resilience and energy circulation, increasing our ability to hold energy, as above. We become more able to be at home in our own bodies during periods of intense emotion or stress. For example, you can rub and tap the area of your third eye called the Shen point. This strengthens confidence and self efficacy. Another practice is to stand confidently with feet hip-width apart, shoulders down, spine aligned. Visualize extending  a "root" from your legs deeply into the ground. Breathe slowly and deeply with your tongue lightly pressing the roof of your mouth, extending the root further and further down with each exhale. You can also do this from a seated meditation position.   Find others to practice with. Our energy in strengthened in community.
• practice guarding your sense doors– this is also from Thay. We can say that all of our information comes through the "doors" of our eyes, ears, nose, taste buds, and sensory nerves. When we allow our senses to be bombarded indiscriminately through television and other technology our equilibrium is disrupted. Be mindful of what you allow in. This is not avoidance, it is selective attention to the things you can have a positive effect on. This way you will have a stronger center from which to deal with real life.

When you protect, strengthen and restore yourself you have more resources to handle hard to hear experiences.

References

1. http://www.krishnasatsang.com/telecourses.htm Krishna Gauci covers the resting-in-as-space meditation in "Living Your Divinity" soon to be released in recorded format. I highly recommend all his other work.
2. Thich Nhat Hanh (all his books cover similar material in different ways, a highly effective technique that helps us learn and integrate)
3. Information on Qi Gong is available from my own teacher Master Mikel Steenrod on his websitehttp://www.h2omt.com/flagstaff-qi-gong-health-healing-energy/ (do not be put off by the exuberant writing style! This man is a true master in our time) 

Paleo Approach for Recovery from Autoimmune Disease

Lots to write about this topic but not lots of time today, so for expediency check out www.thepaleomom.com  and click on the drop down menu for Autoimmunity.

I am stoked about this website and her new book The Paleo Approach. I can't say enough and strangely one reason is that today I violated her suggestions and ended up with a stabbing headache (I never get them) a nose full of what feels like rubber cement, and, um, a lot of gas.

What I ate to bring that on was: a "Whenever Bar" (grain, nuts, sugar, etc. - just because it is gluten-free does not mean it is good for you) which brought on cravings for cashews (I have not eaten nuts for over a month) and I ate a LOT of them. I have been mostly grain free for about 2 months I think. The exceptions have been white rice several times a week, and lately some gluten-free bread a couple of times a week. Grain, legumes and nuts are "off" the Paleo Approach AI plan. Also nightshade vegetables (potatoes, tomatoes, peppers of all kinds including any type of cayenne etc... and eggplant). I hate it a lot because I love nightshade vegetables. However, the last time I went off them and then challenged myself with them I had a flare of fibromyalgia that lasted for several weeks.

So, I have to count this experience as one more verification of her approach. To be continued!

Low Dose Naltrexone (LDN) Update

Eleven days after starting LDN I can report a subtle deepening of sleep which occurred immediately, and now I  am getting up only once in the middle of the night to pee. Also, strangely, the first effect I noticed was that my facial skin seemed softer. I can only imagine that some kind of low-level inflammation was causing roughness of my skin.

I noticed that one night when I forgot to take my dose before going to sleep, and woke up and took it around three or four in the morning, I had a crummy day the next day. As I understand it, the dose should be taken before bed or before a normal bedtime whether you go to sleep or not. There is evidently a window of time from between 2 and 3 AM when the LDN works to reset the body's opiate receptors. I guess I missed it that night, because the next day I was out of sorts and uncomfortable.

The next night I took it around midnight or 12:30 and it seemed okay the next day.

I will keep you posted going forward!

Emotional Safety

Heading Transforming Conflict; Awakening, others

Disclaimer: everything in this blog is my own opinion, of course. Sometimes I pull from other sources, and sometimes I can remember what those sources are! And then I list them. It is no doubt partial truth, from my perspective, and I welcome civil dialogue that adds to our common understanding.

In my experience, my emotional safety comes from within me. You could argue that that extends to physical safety as well. I remember teaching a nutrition series for Cooperative Extension in Las Vegas in a housing project in a rough neighborhood. I don't think I realized how rough it was until one day during class a man came in carrying a pistol case with the gun in it. He was no threat, in fact he was carrying the weapon because he was afraid. He seemed genuinely surprised that I, as a white woman, did not appear to be afraid. Evidently there was quite a lot of violence thereabouts of which I was blissfully unaware. We had a discussion about it and as I recall he tried to convince me that I should take precautions. Despite that, I never felt unsafe there. I don't advocate ignorance as a strategy for safety, far from it. I do think that habitual fear can lead to behaviors that predators recognize as "prey" cues, leading to increased likelihood of violent attack.

I learned about this in detail some years later from my qi gong teacher Master Mikel Steenrod of Water Mountain Martial Society in Flagstaff Arizona. Master Mikel taught people to stand, walk and move with confidence so as to signal predators that they were NOT prey. You could say that we are no longer in the jungle, but regardless of how civilized we are, I think he is right that many of our power interactions with others are based on animal signals and cues. We are human animals, we transcend and include our animal-ness, intentionally or not. Master Mike also teaches Kung Fu and other forms of self-defense so that genuine confidence arises based on a real ability to defend oneself.

Aside from self-defense moves, Qi Gong as a discipline teaches the practitioner to be aware of her own subtle body energy. This energy can be felt, cultivated, and strengthened so that there is a healthy, resilient cushion between the practitioner and outside forces. I honestly think this is one of the best ways to cultivate emotional safety.

I don't know how to describe these techniques or teach them in a blog format. Master Mike has a free online study course here http://www.h2omt.com/ (scroll to bottom of page). In our upcoming Waking Down in Mutuality retreat here in the Atlanta area, my partner Corwin and I will be leading morning Qi Gong exercises focused on cultivating emotional safety. We will work with the subtle body in physical ways, and  also teach Qi Gong meditation practices aimed at the same goal.

Why is this necessary? Will we not be in a safe place? With safe people? Yes indeed. But as I say emotional safety comes from within. Any time you are opening up and being vulnerable it is important to know how to to take in what others share and stay centered. More on this soon.

Multipurpose Multi-topic Blog: Permaculture for Humans

This blog will be all over the map, so I will title each segment to give readers a head's-up so they can choose what to read based on their own interest. Here are some of the areas I expect to cover:
Embodied consciousness awakening (Waking Down in Mutuality, Deeksha, 12 Steps, Integral Spirituality, Thich Nhat Hanh, etc.)
Creative expression (knitting, artwork, writing, etc.)
Sustainable gardening 
Transforming conflict
Paleo diet/cooking
Reclaiming health (generally and for autoimmune, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue)

I will be conversational in tone and probably leave out some background information for brevity and ease, but if you have questions please write me and I will try to fill in the gaps. Feel free to take what you like and leave the rest :-) I expect people to read just the sections that interest them.

Fibro/Autoimmune: Started Low-dose Naltrexone

I started 1.5 mg of low-dose Naltrexone (LDN) on April 17. Here is the link to read about the drug http://www.lowdosenaltrexone.org/

There is some decent evidence that it is useful in fibro and chronic fatigue (FM/CFS). Some people reason that this means that FM/CFS is autoimmune in origin. It may be that LDN has other mechanisms of action though too. I am keeping track of my starting levels on a variety of symptoms, and will track that at 28 days out and report. It takes 28 days for full saturation in the body, but longer than that to see full effect I expect.

I'm on the Learning Curve!

As a blogging newbie, I'm beginning to explore the bells and whistles available. Seemingly, there is a way to add labels to my different posts – I would really like that, because I'm aware that there is no "average reader". Each person has different interests.

I am also intrigued by ways to add gadgets to help people follow my blog, and all kinds of other cool things.

Today I'm interested in talking about how we can maintain our own safety, and I'm talking emotional safety, when we're in a group of people, especially a group dedicated to "digging deep", recovery, transforming conflict or even awakening. Read on!