Hanging Out

I asked an integrally informed friend to tell me what he would say to a newbie who was struggling with an addiction. I expected he would say something profound and philosophical, but he said “I would tell them to hang out with people who don’t have an addiction.”

We get our sense of what is “normal’ from the people around us. I remember feeling shocked when I went to college in a conservative town, after high school in a liberal city. I found out that their “normal” was completely different from mine. [Integral theory does make use of the idea of perspectives] At that time I began to realize the slipperiness of normality. Stepping back to take a larger view, I could see that people have co-created sets of unspoken rules of behavior everywhere they have gathered. Who knows how they get started. Mass media influences us more than we like to admit, and what we think “everybody knows” differs depending on which TV network we follow.

Many of us who struggle with addiction feel we are above all that. We think that the rest of the world is gullible, but we are not. Often our addiction is an expression of despair in reaction to the suffering and ignorance we see played out by “normal” people. We experience existential angst living in a world that seems designed to disappoint us. We are certainly not going to fall for something that promises a better life in heaven if we give up everything that makes life fun here. And we are not going to kid ourselves that positive thinking, affirmations and “being good” will pay off for us now.

Good. Now that we can see through the illusions that other people may be caught in, let us examine our own. What have we chosen our particular “normal” to be? Are the people we hang out with getting the most out of life? Are they fulfilled? Can they face the day fairly cheerfully, and feel tolerant and stable as they go through their day with whatever happens? Or do they complain and criticize and make excuses for their unhappiness?

I remember periods in my life when I thought to myself, I may be killing myself slowly with this substance, but my life is so painful that if I stop using, I might commit suicide. At least I am postponing that outcome, and I may be able to give up my substance in the future. This was true. I am sad to think I went through that, and I can’t say now whether that was necessary or not for me to hit bottom. I spoke that to my first 12 step group. They hung with me through that time and beyond.

Today may I choose my friends wisely, knowing that the reality we create together influences me on a profound and subtle level.

Comparing

I wrote this  year ago while focusing on the integration of 12 step principles with Integral Theory and Waking Down in Mutuality. It contains some 12 step language, and I am interested - how does this land on you, dear reader? Can you “translate” if you are not part of the 12 step fellowship?

We have the option to free ourselves from comparison. This is a truly great freedom. The world-renowned author and Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh recommends we free ourselves from the inferiority complex, the superiority complex and the equality complex.

What does that mean, the equality complex? Isn’t equality what we believe in, what we are going for? If you look deeply, all 3 “complexes” are based on our fixation on how we compare to one another. Comparison has got us into a lot of trouble. It has made us feel like we had something to prove, or has left us feeling ashamed and isolated. Comparing ourselves to others, we often felt like we did not fit in. Many times we can trace our addiction back to a way of dealing with feelings that came from comparing ourselves to others.

One of the slogans you are likely to hear in a 12 step meeting is “Don’t compare, identify!” To me this means that I can almost always find something in another’s share that rings true for me and that helps me with my own life. Regardless of differences in age, background, education or lifestyle, our commonalities exceed our differences.

So what? What can I expect from freeing myself from comparison? Freedom to be my true self! This takes a lot of courage. When people begin relying on their highest nature (Higher Power) for cues on how to act they are usually surprised by the clear, insistent impulses that arise. This is called intuition. Whether or not you “believe” in intuition, the scientific way is to experiment for yourself. You may find yourself inspired to do things that “feel right” even though they may not initially make sense.

As you begin to try this for yourself, you will learn to recognize which of these inspirations to follow, and in what way. This is a process of trial and error that probably goes on throughout life. It doesn’t mean we disregard logic, it means we no longer disregard our inner truth because it does not seem right by comparison.

Today may I have the strength and courage to stop comparing myself to others.