Hanging Out

I asked an integrally informed friend to tell me what he would say to a newbie who was struggling with an addiction. I expected he would say something profound and philosophical, but he said “I would tell them to hang out with people who don’t have an addiction.”

We get our sense of what is “normal’ from the people around us. I remember feeling shocked when I went to college in a conservative town, after high school in a liberal city. I found out that their “normal” was completely different from mine. [Integral theory does make use of the idea of perspectives] At that time I began to realize the slipperiness of normality. Stepping back to take a larger view, I could see that people have co-created sets of unspoken rules of behavior everywhere they have gathered. Who knows how they get started. Mass media influences us more than we like to admit, and what we think “everybody knows” differs depending on which TV network we follow.

Many of us who struggle with addiction feel we are above all that. We think that the rest of the world is gullible, but we are not. Often our addiction is an expression of despair in reaction to the suffering and ignorance we see played out by “normal” people. We experience existential angst living in a world that seems designed to disappoint us. We are certainly not going to fall for something that promises a better life in heaven if we give up everything that makes life fun here. And we are not going to kid ourselves that positive thinking, affirmations and “being good” will pay off for us now.

Good. Now that we can see through the illusions that other people may be caught in, let us examine our own. What have we chosen our particular “normal” to be? Are the people we hang out with getting the most out of life? Are they fulfilled? Can they face the day fairly cheerfully, and feel tolerant and stable as they go through their day with whatever happens? Or do they complain and criticize and make excuses for their unhappiness?

I remember periods in my life when I thought to myself, I may be killing myself slowly with this substance, but my life is so painful that if I stop using, I might commit suicide. At least I am postponing that outcome, and I may be able to give up my substance in the future. This was true. I am sad to think I went through that, and I can’t say now whether that was necessary or not for me to hit bottom. I spoke that to my first 12 step group. They hung with me through that time and beyond.

Today may I choose my friends wisely, knowing that the reality we create together influences me on a profound and subtle level.